Merde Alors! - Toilet Humour

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Merde Type	Description
Ghost shit	The kind where you feel shit come out, and see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
Clean shit	The kind where you feel shit come out, and see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
Wet shit	You end up putting toilet paper between your arse and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
Second Wave shit	This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shit some more.
Brain Haemorrhage through your Nose shit	Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
Corn shit	No explanation necessary.
Lincoln shit	The kind of shit that's so enormous, you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Notorious Drinker shit	The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
"Gee, I really wish I could shit" shit	The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, feeling cramped, and farting.
Wet Cheaks shit	Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your arse so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
Liquid shit	That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
Mexican Food shit	A class all of its own.
Crowd Pleaser shit	This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
Mood Enhancer shit	This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
Ritual shit	This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
Guinness Book of Records shit	A shit so noteworthy, it should be recorded for future generations.
Aftershock shit	This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next seven hours is affected.
"Honeymoon's Over" shit	This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
Groaner shit	A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Floater shit	Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
Ranger shit	A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
Phantom shit	This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
Peek-a-Boo shit	Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. It requires patience and muscle control.
Bombshell shit	A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking, or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
Snake Charmer shit	A long skinny shit that has managed to coil itself into a frightening position; it's usually harmless.
Olympic shit	This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
Back-to-Nature shit	This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
Pebbles-from-Heaven shit	An adorable collection of small turds, often a gift from Heaven, that occurs when you actually CAN'T shit.
Premeditated shit	Laxative induced. This doesn't count.
Shitzophrenia	The fear of shitting - can be fatal!
Energizer versus Duracell shit	Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
Power Dump shit	The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
Liquid Plumber shit	This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
Spinal Tap shit	The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
"I Think I'm Giving Birth through my Arsehole" shit	Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
Porridge shit	The type that comes out like toothpaste; and just keeps on coming! You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helplessly.
"I'm going to Chew my Food Better" shit	When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
"I Think I'm Turning into a Bunny" shit	When you drop lots of cute, little round ones (that look like marbles) and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
"What the Hell Died in Here?" shit	Sometimes referred to as “The Toxic Dump”. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
"I Just Know There's a Turd still Dangling There" shit	This is where you just sit there patiently, waiting for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
"You've Got Shit on your Shoes, you Shit-Shoe Bastard" shit	No explanation required.